How to run a half marathon

I spoke to Karaire, a friend of a friend, whose shorts Ive worn long before I knew him. Sounds bizarre, but absolutely true - Karaire and I have a common friend. 15 years ago, I heard about Karaire a lot, but we had never met. To me he was like a mythical beast - rumoured to exist, but no confirmed sightings. Anyway, once I was stuck at the common's friend's place for the night, he offered me Karaire's shorts to wear as pjs. The very next morning, as if waiting for me to transgress normal social boundaries - what sort of person wears a stranger's shorts to sleep??? - Karaire landed up at his friends house bright and early, surprised himself and me, in his shorts, and proceeded to get acquainted..

Anyway apart from the fact that Karaire has an incredibly sweet wife and a yummy daughter, he runs. He has run plenty of half marathons, he mountain bikes, he rock climbs, he's a really really cool sporty guy.

So I called him up to confess that I had actually registered for the half marathon on Oct 15, and I was terrified. Any advice?

Drink lots of water, wear shoes that still have plenty of good cushioning in them, run 70 kms every week and you'll run the legs off everybody else, he said breezily.

Wow. Let me get this straight. If I run the equivalent of 3 and a half marathons every week, then I will be able to run a half marathon one Sunday, exactly one month from now?

Yes, exactly what Ive said, said Karaire.

I laughed hollowly. That's about the best advice I ever received. I could write an entire series of how to books based just on that one nugget.

How to climb Mount Everest. Climb it three and a half times every week, and climbing it is a breeze.

How to build a rocket launcher from bits of lego, play doh and knitting needles. Build three and half of them every week, and Bob's your Uncle.

Have you gone mad? I asked Karaire. How can you give me such terrible advice? I can barely run 11 kms as my long run and you're talking 70 kms. I'll never be able to finish the race. I wont even be able to start it now. Why did I ever register? Why did I even think I could dream of doing this?I hate this race. ....I began to wail.

Hey, relax. You'll do fine, Karaire said kindly. Remember, its only a half marathon.

Only a half marathon....?

Of course. Now it all makes sense.